Tuesday, December 15, 2009

When A Door Closes Another One Opens

I am never a fan of Jack and Rose and the sinking Titanic, of Romeo and Juliet dying, of Dr. Maggie Rice and Seth's unhappy and never after story. I hate sad endings. I don't like farewells, I'm not good at saying goodbye.

After my bestfriend was taken away from me by some half Japanese half a-hole, my world came crashing down, it was like the end of the world for me. The love of my life and my everything was stolen from me. I saw it coming but wasn't able to do anything. My confession of true love, I guess was too late. I felt miserable, I felt bad. I was angry but I know I can't hate him dahil hindi naman kami at 'di na rin siguro kailanman magiging kami but I just can't help it but be sorry for myself cause I know mahal niya din ako but we're just not meant to be. The pain was just unbearable. Ika nga nila at natanggap ko naman: "The best of friends may not be the best of lovers."

Pero aaminin ko, dumaan ako sa emo-ments. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to feel, all I know was that mag-isa na lang ako sa mga sandaling iyon and deeply hurting. There's so much I want to say to him but I know it wouldn't matter anymore. I spent the nights sobbing. The days weren't different- I can't smile back at the sun anymore, everday the clouds they're like damp & gloomy, the birds I hear them sing no more, the optimist within me died and the pessimist came alive. I was hopeless, directionless, derailed, I was a walking zombie. My heart was bleeding and there's no easy way to heal the wounds. All those times there was no one beside me, I can't talk about this shit to anyone, time was my only friend.

Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise, It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and drugging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
[Bella, let me borrow the lines, that was from
New Moon. Ch. 4 Waking Up...

In time, I learned how to let go...
I distanced myself to him so it will be easy for both of us- he won't feel guilty for breaking my heart para na rin 'di kami maging aloof sa isa't-isa, another thing is para mabawasan ang sakit unti-unti. I am not a masochist to live with all those pains. I don't need to keep on hitting myself with a hammer..

Pain, I learned how to ride it out, it goes away on its own. Though there are no solutions, no easy answers, you just have to breath deep and wait for it to subside.

I made myself busy. I went out. I partied a lot. I was a rebel. And it was in one of those parties where I met Mark. Boyfriend siya ng classmate kong chinita, he's a varsity player, Taekwondo ang sports niya. Skinhead, mestizo, gwapo.

I noticed him among all the people that I was with because he was eyeing and gauging me. Para sa isang taong tulad ko na unti-unting namumulat sa bagong mundo I sensed something. Tingin ko he was up for something. Lalo kong napatunayan ang hinala ko kasi he followed me to the restroom to take a leak. I piddled wee-wee on the urinals but he went to the cubicle instead. Nahiya pa ata, empty naman yung urinal sa tabi ko. But it was him who broke the ice; naghuhugas ako ng kamay sa lababo, lumapit din siya para maghugas, he said,
"Okay 'yan shirt mo 'tol."
All of the things you could say, 'yun pa naisip mo. Too lame for a pick up line. ;p
I just said, "Thanks, Mark right?"
"Oo, Jay?"
Then we shook hands, natawa na lang kami kasi parehong basa kamay namin. Nung lumabas kami sa C.R., nakaakbay na siya. It was cool that he was the first to approach because a snob like me would never do that.

After the drinking session, he asked me if he could sleep over, malayo pa daw kasi bahay nila at nakauwi na rin naman ang girlfriend niya, I said yes, after all I'm too drunk to argue and my place is too lonely for me, I could afford someone to sleep with..

Kung ano sunod na nangyari yun ang dapat niyong abangan. :)