Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Reason Behind Hiding

[Atlast nagkalakas ako ng loob magsulat...]

I am one of those guys who have not yet come out, who find it damn difficult to come out. Straight-acting ika nga. Imaginary fears, yes, but still frightening. Yes, I am a fucking coward who don't have the balls to shout and tell the world that I am GAY!

"Kung yayaman lang ako dahil sa pagtatago ng lihim, milyonaryo na siguro ako."

Exact words from a friend na sensible sa akin, pahiram ng line mo [insert name here]. Siguro dahil sa napakarami ko ring sikreto- tunay ko ngang pagkatao aking pinakakatago.

There's only few na alam ang tunay kong pagkatao. It's not that I am ashamed of what I am, hindi ko ikinahihiya na ganito ako, na nagmamahal at humahanga ako sa aking kabaro. I find it totally normal for a guy to fall in love with another guy; a girl to fall in love with another girl, hence lesbianism; or both, AC-DC; cause it's the heart [...or should I say the brain para sa mga pilosopo na utak daw ang nagdidictate para kumabog ang puso] and not the thing between our thighs that tells us who to love, regardless of gender and when. If that's not the reason, then what hinders me?

I am a fucking homo [slash] faggot [slash] queer.

Ako ay bakla [slash] bading [slash] badaf [slash] etc.

I just can't find the guts to say those words. I am in denial..

Denial. That's what this is all about. Nagsisinungaling ako nung sinabi kong normal para sa akin ang maging bakla. Hindi ko matanggap na nahuhulog ako at nagmamahal sa kapwa ko lalake. Pakiwara ko parang may kung anong abnormal sa pagkatao, na may isang uri ako ng sakit na 'di kayang gamutin, isang sumpa na 'di ko kayang kumawala. Kaya hanggang ngayon nagpapakalalake ako. Pilit kong inaalis ang mga pagnanasang nadarama ko.

Impluwensiya na rin siguro ng pagpapalaki sa akin, isa akong unico hijo, hindi lang alam ng magulang ko na may pagka-hija din pala ako! Shit. Ang tanging tagapagparami ng lahi, ang tanging magkakalat ng apelyido, romansa ng kapwa lalake din pala ang trip.

Another thing is Religion, ever since, I learned in Sunday Schools that men are for women and vice versa. I've heard and read that Soddom and Gomorrah story a million times. Naukilkil na sa kukote ko na kasalanan ang pagiging ganito.

I know I can't run from things forever that sooner or later I will have to face the truth. I know I'm not alone, I know I can make this, and I know things will all be okay that soon I'll be free.

Pero may isang tanong lang ako kay God.

Bakit ba kasi kailangan Mo pang i-categorize ang tao sa dalawang uri lamang? Nalilito tuloy ako kapag sumasagot sa mga social networking sites at kapag nagfifill-up ng forms, 'di ko kasi alam kung saan ko ichecheck, male o female? 'Di ba pwedeng both? O.o


Gustong gusto ko 'tong quote na 'to kaso natatakot pa rin ako.. :(

24 comments:

Pipo said...

Well blogging about it is one big step. I mean, not all people can "talk" about it.

thecurioscat said...

i know kung ano nafefeel mo, give yourself time to fully accept who you are

BERNADETTE said...

nahihipo ako and at the same feeling proud every time i read "coming out" rants an stories ...

isa lang masasabi ko sa 'yo ... KAYA MO YAN!

everyone goes through this phase ... yung iba siguro .. overnight lang .. pagkagising .. nagdecide na silang magladlad nang kapa ... sa iba naman may "denial" may "struggle".

All your reasons are valid ... don't get me wrong ... but ikaw ren ang nagsabi .. sooner or later ... you'll have to admit it to yourself ..

but and first step ay: SELF ACCEPTANCE ...

if you want others to accept you ... you need to strip yourself of all the inhibitions and give in: ACCEPT.

FIND A FRIEND .. vent out .. explore ... mukha ka pa namang bagets .. you have all the time in the world ... but don't wait 'til its late ... mahuhuli ka na nyan sa karera ...

isang munting mensahe mula sa isang Fairy Gay Mother

-badinggerzie ...

JayPee said...

@Pipo
One of the reasons kung bakit blogging ang napili kong means kasi I can't discuss this matter to anyone except my bestfriend na tanging nakakaalam ng pagkatao ko... :)

@TheCuriousCat
Meowww! :)
Thanks po. And it feels good to know na may mga katulad ako sa mundo. People who can truly understand what I'm going through.

@Badinggerzie
Salamat po Fairy God Mother.
That's what I'm trying to do, I know it's hard but I can do this. Regarding finding a friend, I know I'll meet a lot of people here in blog-o-sphere cause I don't have "close" gay friends personally..

Thanks po sa inyong lahat.
Nakakataba ng puso ang mga payo. :)

JayPee said...

@Boying Opaw
Sir, thanks din po.
Got your point but I still believe it is God who originally labeled humans into man and woman.
I want to leave things like that, ayoko lang kasi sisihan ang society sa 'di pagtanggap sa mga kagaya natin.

Ming Meows said...

Lagi mong tatandaan...hindi ka nag-iisa.
Andyan si Noynoy, joke!!!!!!

JayPee said...

@Ming Meows
Wow, another pusa in the house... Rawr! ;p
Woot, about Noynoy, no comment muna, still undecided. Haha.
Anyway, thanks po for dropping by.

Trese said...

hey hey... saw that you were following my blog kaya napadpad naman ako sayo :)

i was discreet about my identity for 24 years then i finally decided... it's time for me to be happy. criticisms, discrimination, etc will always be there but the thing is, you have to realize that society cannot dictate how you live your life.

dagdag ko lang din... don't just focus on the sexuality of a person. it's about your identity... kung ano ka, sino ka, and not just your sexual preference. yun ang mas important... :)

keep on blogging my friend :)

JayPee said...

@Trese
Identity over sexuality.
And I should take pressure off my sleeve.
Malaking bagay po para sa akin ang mga payo na inyong binabahagi..

I'll sleep tonight with smile on my face. Kahit papaano nagkakaroon ako ng pag-asa.

Thank you po talaga sa inyong lahat. ^_^

odin hood said...

relax lang.

matagal din ako nag struggle with my identity and sexuality, even despite discreetly flirting and having sexual encounters with the same sex for a few years di ko pa rin talaga fully na-accept sa sarili ko na ganito nga ako. it was only when i fell in love ng bonggang bongga na narealize ko na totoo na talaga to, di ko na madedeny sa sarili ko to.

tapos nung na-accept ko na. wala lang hahaha yun ang na-realize ko wala lang pala yun. im still me. pinahirapan ko lang sarili ko sa pag-struggle all these years. pero at least now may peace of mind na ako. so relax lang, wag mu i-pressure masyado sarili mo.

di pa rin talaga ako out, sa blogworld lang ako talaga nag out. and di ko na masyado iniisip ang coming out, mas important ang self acceptance.

welcome sa blogworld!

rudeboy said...

Being gay can be a complicated matter, but let's try to simplify a few things.

1. You're an unico hijo. I know you meant it jocularly, but still,you will never be an hija even though you like guys. Because...

2. ...you are a man, and will remain a man who just happens to love other men. The only way you can ever check "female" in those social networking boxes is if you become a transsexual.

But that's a whole other ballgame.

JayPee said...

@Odin Hood
Thanks po sa welcome.
Siguro the part of falling in love ng bonggang bongga ang kulang ko? Hehe.
About coming out naman, may guilt feelings po kasi ako, it's like I'm lying to everyone and worse, I'm lying to myself.

@Rudeboy
Haha. Ibang bagay na nga po yun, and it's not one of my options. Even it things are complicated, I will never want to complicate things more by changing my gender. I still want to be a man.

Mac Callister said...

hey this is a nice entry

i like ur writing

and about ur gender,dont worry di ka nag iisa,una wala ka na magagawa bading ka na e,either tanggapin or hindi,pero mind you,stressful and mahirap itago totoong feelings...

u dont need to come out to everyone,pero u can still be gay and have a relationship with other gay men in discreet way

JayPee said...

@Mac Callister
Thanks for the compliments.

Slowly but surely, I'm accepting my fate.

Regarding relationship, I dunno but I'm not really looking. Actually, I'm perfectly happy being single at the moment. :)

engel said...

i like the quote. that's so true.

welcome to blogging.

Ast Abe said...

Good day! I am Astrid Abesamis, Communication Arts graduating student from the University of Santo Tomas. Our thesis group would like to ask for your help by answering our survey about blogging. Can I ask for your email address so that I can email the survey questionnaire? We hope for your response. Thank you so much! God bless!

JayPee said...

@Engel
Thanks po sa pagwelcome.

@Ast Abe
I'd be very willing to help.

Ast Abe said...

can I ask for your email add so I can send the survey? thankyou very much!

colorblind said...

naalala ko commercial sa radio...daaaahandaaaaahan.haha.

i agree, you don't owe the world an explanation for who you are. and the world does not give a damn of what you are. it's the self more than anyone else. ironic pero hirap kumbinsihin ang sarili. but the more you sweep the truth under the carpet the more it stinks, napapanis kasi hehe. don't be hard on yourself. take one day at a time and deal with the issues as they surface. iwasan gumawa ng sariling multo. ikaw din maging haunted house ang buhay mo. hehe

daming support groups na malalapitan. make use of all available channels to make 'self-acceptance' less difficult and a wonderful experience.

good luck. and may the force be with you. :)

JayPee said...

@Ast Abe
Already sent you an e-mail.

@Colorblind
Very well said sir. And that helps a lot.
Mind telling what radio ad is that?

Support group? Never tried but I would like to.

Thanks!

Ast Abe said...

sorry I did not receive any email.. my email add is as3d07@yahoo.com

thankyou very much!

POPOY said...

been in this kind of situation.. masyadong stressful, complicated.. before dono what am going to do... kaya nagblog narin ako just to express how i feel kaso di nagwork kasi d ako manunulat...

tama mga payo ni MacCallister and i agree with Colorblind- ikaw rin makakasagot sa tanong mo... kaya mo yan tol wag lang abrupt ang pagdiskubre kung sa kung sino ka... basta be good and be safe...

twisted mind said...

just check male sa box ng male/female. :)teehee!

Anonymous said...

Sunday School? must be very hard for you...

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