"I worked so hard for that first kiss
And a heart don't forget something like that
Like an old photograph
Time can make a feeling fade
But the memory of first love
Never fades away..."
And a heart don't forget something like that
Like an old photograph
Time can make a feeling fade
But the memory of first love
Never fades away..."
I was 13 yrs. old when I first met him- the first man whom I fell in love with...
It was summer of 2000, I just graduated from Elementary and I was about to take the High School entrance exam in one of the biggest schools in our town. Nakaupo siya sa isang bench, mag-isa, sa ilalim ng puno ng Talisay. He wasn't that extraordinary, he's not as stunning as Edward Cullen or as hot as Jacob Black, he's just an average guy. And I'm sure that it wasn't love at first sight for I was still straight back then. [Sa paniwala ko..]
By God's grace, nakapasa naman ako. Natapos ang vacation break and then came the first day of my High School life and that's when I saw him again, we're in the same class. We became seatmates, my surname starts with a C and his with a D.
We became close, nothing special, like regular high school buddy. We were inseparable. Kung nasaan ang isa, kadugtong ang isa. We're practically the same, we go gaga over anything that has to do with computers; online/lan games, we're both good in Science, we're always in the same group during laboratory experiments, we both can't play basketball decently, we're both "bunso" in the family, he's childish and so am I, we even have the same taste when it comes to girls. Dumating pa nga yung time na pareho kami ng niligawan. Siya sinagot, ako na-busted. Haha! So that gives you the idea, mas gwapo at lamang siya sa akin. :)
But like any other guys may differences din kami, he loves math which I hate the most. I can draw but he can't even make a straight line. He's shy, I'm good at socializing. I am a party animal, he's a home buddy. I am artistically inclined, he is logic.
All through out High School we've literally spent our time together. Siya ang pinaka matalik kong kaibigan, siya ang best friend ko, he's my wingman and vice versa. Mahalaga siya sa akin 'di ko lang alam kung gaano kahalaga, basta ang alam ko higit pa sa kaibigan o kapatid ang turing ko sa kanya. I do not have any special feelings for him before, or that's what I thought until we finally made our way into college.
We went to the same University. Parehong Engineering course inenrol namin. We have our own set of friends when we're in school, we don't see each other kapag nasa school kami. Sa bahay na lang kami nagkikita. Nangupahan kami ng apartment. We do things together, from going to the market to cooking our food, we do our laundry alternately and the best part is we do sleep together in one bed. No sexual activity pero andoon yung unintentional cuddling sa kasarapan ng tulog. Para kaming nagbabahay-bahayan!
Sa panahong iyon, napakasaya ko pero 'di ko lang alam kung paano i-label yung feelings ko. I was in denial that I was falling in love with my bestfriend. Ayoko ding gumawa ng anumang hakbang that could ruin the moment. I was okay and contented with the situation hanggang sa ipakilala niya sa akin si Kenj, boardmate daw ng classmate niya. Half Japanese siya. I wasn't aware of the term gaydar during those time but I sense that something's going on between my bestfriend and Kenj.
Napapadalas ang sleepover niya sa boarding house ng classmate niya, kung umuwi man siya ng apartment gabi na, yung tipong matutulog na lang, madalas 'di na rin siya umuuwi ng province namin kapag weekend, 'di na siya sumasabay sa akin. I know he's hiding something from me. Nakatira nga kami sa isang bahay pero we don't talk anymore, we don't hang out anymore. He's not the same as before, he's being cold to me. During those times I made myself busy para 'di ko na lang siya maisip.
Pero one time umuwi siya ng maaga, I asked him what's with him these past few weeks, sabi niya, "Wala naman, by the way Jay, I'm planning to move out, lilipat kasi sina Kenj ng apartment, I'm going with him..."
I gave him my casual long "Ahhh..." to show my disinterest pero deep within nasasaktan na ako, he's leaving me, he's choosing Kenj over me. Long pause, I didn't show any sign that I was hurting.
He asked me, "Narinig mo ba ako, I'm moving out..."
"Oo narinig ko, kelan ka naman lilipat?"
"Sa makalawa na..."
"Can I go with you?"
I was hoping that he'll say yes but to my dismay it wasn't his option.
"Tanong ko muna kay Kenj ha?"
Nagpanting tenga ko upon hearing Kenj's name.
"Wait, what's with you and Kenj ba? Lagi na lang siya ang kasama mo!"
"Wala, Jay may problema ba?
"Shit! Tatanungin mo ako kung anong problema? Ikaw ang problema, simula ng makilala mo yang Kenj na 'yan nag-iba ka na. Sabihin mo nga sa akin, kayo ba? Tang-ina naman, syota mo ba yan? Iiwanan mo ko para sumama diyan? Ni 'di mo man ako yayain na sumama. Ahhh... Oo nga naman sagabal ako, maglilive in kayo...!"
I was crying while saying that, I didn't gave him the chance to explain, nagwalked out ako, umiral ang pagiging drama queen ko. I didn't go home that night, nagpalipas ako ng sama ng loob. Lalo lang sumama loob ko when he didn't look for me, he didn't even bother to text me.
Kinabukasan I went home, 'di ko na siya inabutan and I saw his things already packed. Again, I cried, I drowned in tears. I fell asleep. Gabi na ng maalimpungatan ako na may humimas sa mukha ko, it was him, my bestfriend.
"Jay, okay ka na ba?"
"I'm not..."
"Jay..."
He cupped my face with his both hands. Again he said my name.. "Jay..."
"Tell me everything, I'll listen.", yun na lang ang tanging nasabi ko...
He told me everything, I listened though it hurt. Mag two months na daw, 'di niya alam paano naging sila, pero it just happened, he fell in love with Kenj kasi mabait daw.
I asked him, "What if I tell you something... will it matter?"
"Wag mo na ituloy sasabihin mo Jay, I know what you'll say but I know you know how we both feel for each other, dama ko naman yun, alam kong dama mo din yun, pero I'm choosing our friendship, ayaw kong gumawa ng ikasisira ng pagkakaibigan natin, pipillin ko kung saan mas tatagal tayo..."
Di na ako sumagot instead I kissed him. He kissed me back.
That was my first kiss.
After 1 year and two months, my bestfriend & Kenj broke up.
Until now, my bestfriend & I are still friends. We are closer than ever.
But there's one thing that we don't talk about, we don't talked about the past anymore, he no longer entertain same sex relationship.
