When A Door Closes Another One Opens

I am never a fan of Jack and Rose and the sinking Titanic, of Romeo and Juliet dying, of Dr. Maggie Rice and Seth's unhappy and never after story. I hate sad endings. I don't like farewells, I'm not good at saying goodbye.

After my bestfriend was taken away from me by some half Japanese half a-hole, my world came crashing down, it was like the end of the world for me. The love of my life and my everything was stolen from me. I saw it coming but wasn't able to do anything. My confession of true love, I guess was too late. I felt miserable, I felt bad. I was angry but I know I can't hate him dahil hindi naman kami at 'di na rin siguro kailanman magiging kami but I just can't help it but be sorry for myself cause I know mahal niya din ako but we're just not meant to be. The pain was just unbearable. Ika nga nila at natanggap ko naman: "The best of friends may not be the best of lovers."

Pero aaminin ko, dumaan ako sa emo-ments. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to feel, all I know was that mag-isa na lang ako sa mga sandaling iyon and deeply hurting. There's so much I want to say to him but I know it wouldn't matter anymore. I spent the nights sobbing. The days weren't different- I can't smile back at the sun anymore, everday the clouds they're like damp & gloomy, the birds I hear them sing no more, the optimist within me died and the pessimist came alive. I was hopeless, directionless, derailed, I was a walking zombie. My heart was bleeding and there's no easy way to heal the wounds. All those times there was no one beside me, I can't talk about this shit to anyone, time was my only friend.

TIME PASSES, EVEN WHEN IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE.
Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise, It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and drugging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
[Bella, let me borrow the lines, that was from
New Moon. Ch. 4 Waking Up...]

In time, I learned how to let go...
I distanced myself to him so it will be easy for both of us- he won't feel guilty for breaking my heart para na rin 'di kami maging aloof sa isa't-isa, another thing is para mabawasan ang sakit unti-unti. I am not a masochist to live with all those pains. I don't need to keep on hitting myself with a hammer..

Pain, I learned how to ride it out, it goes away on its own. Though there are no solutions, no easy answers, you just have to breath deep and wait for it to subside.

I made myself busy. I went out. I partied a lot. I was a rebel. And it was in one of those parties where I met Mark. Boyfriend siya ng classmate kong chinita, he's a varsity player, Taekwondo ang sports niya. Skinhead, mestizo, gwapo.

I noticed him among all the people that I was with because he was eyeing and gauging me. Para sa isang taong tulad ko na unti-unting namumulat sa bagong mundo I sensed something. Tingin ko he was up for something. Lalo kong napatunayan ang hinala ko kasi he followed me to the restroom to take a leak. I piddled wee-wee on the urinals but he went to the cubicle instead. Nahiya pa ata, empty naman yung urinal sa tabi ko. But it was him who broke the ice; naghuhugas ako ng kamay sa lababo, lumapit din siya para maghugas, he said,
"Okay 'yan shirt mo 'tol."
All of the things you could say, 'yun pa naisip mo. Too lame for a pick up line. ;p
I just said, "Thanks, Mark right?"
"Oo, Jay?"
Then we shook hands, natawa na lang kami kasi parehong basa kamay namin. Nung lumabas kami sa C.R., nakaakbay na siya. It was cool that he was the first to approach because a snob like me would never do that.

After the drinking session, he asked me if he could sleep over, malayo pa daw kasi bahay nila at nakauwi na rin naman ang girlfriend niya, I said yes, after all I'm too drunk to argue and my place is too lonely for me, I could afford someone to sleep with..

Kung ano sunod na nangyari yun ang dapat niyong abangan. :)

My First Love, My First Kiss

"I worked so hard for that first kiss
And a heart don't forget something like that

Like an old photograph
Time can make a feeling fade
But the memory of first love
Never fades away..."

I was 13 yrs. old when I first met him- the first man whom I fell in love with...

It was summer of 2000, I just graduated from Elementary and I was about to take the High School entrance exam in one of the biggest schools in our town. Nakaupo siya sa isang bench, mag-isa, sa ilalim ng puno ng Talisay. He wasn't that extraordinary, he's not as stunning as Edward Cullen or as hot as Jacob Black, he's just an average guy. And I'm sure that it wasn't love at first sight for I was still straight back then. [Sa paniwala ko..]

By God's grace, nakapasa naman ako. Natapos ang vacation break and then came the first day of my High School life and that's when I saw him again, we're in the same class. We became seatmates, my surname starts with a C and his with a D.

We became close, nothing special, like regular high school buddy. We were inseparable. Kung nasaan ang isa, kadugtong ang isa. We're practically the same, we go gaga over anything that has to do with computers; online/lan games, we're both good in Science, we're always in the same group during laboratory experiments, we both can't play basketball decently, we're both "bunso" in the family, he's childish and so am I, we even have the same taste when it comes to girls. Dumating pa nga yung time na pareho kami ng niligawan. Siya sinagot, ako na-busted. Haha! So that gives you the idea, mas gwapo at lamang siya sa akin. :)

But like any other guys may differences din kami, he loves math which I hate the most. I can draw but he can't even make a straight line. He's shy, I'm good at socializing. I am a party animal, he's a home buddy. I am artistically inclined, he is logic.

All through out High School we've literally spent our time together. Siya ang pinaka matalik kong kaibigan, siya ang best friend ko, he's my wingman and vice versa. Mahalaga siya sa akin 'di ko lang alam kung gaano kahalaga, basta ang alam ko higit pa sa kaibigan o kapatid ang turing ko sa kanya. I do not have any special feelings for him before, or that's what I thought until we finally made our way into college.

We went to the same University. Parehong Engineering course inenrol namin. We have our own set of friends when we're in school, we don't see each other kapag nasa school kami. Sa bahay na lang kami nagkikita. Nangupahan kami ng apartment. We do things together, from going to the market to cooking our food, we do our laundry alternately and the best part is we do sleep together in one bed. No sexual activity pero andoon yung unintentional cuddling sa kasarapan ng tulog. Para kaming nagbabahay-bahayan!

Sa panahong iyon, napakasaya ko pero 'di ko lang alam kung paano i-label yung feelings ko. I was in denial that I was falling in love with my bestfriend. Ayoko ding gumawa ng anumang hakbang that could ruin the moment. I was okay and contented with the situation hanggang sa ipakilala niya sa akin si Kenj, boardmate daw ng classmate niya. Half Japanese siya. I wasn't aware of the term gaydar during those time but I sense that something's going on between my bestfriend and Kenj.

Napapadalas ang sleepover niya sa boarding house ng classmate niya, kung umuwi man siya ng apartment gabi na, yung tipong matutulog na lang, madalas 'di na rin siya umuuwi ng province namin kapag weekend, 'di na siya sumasabay sa akin. I know he's hiding something from me. Nakatira nga kami sa isang bahay pero we don't talk anymore, we don't hang out anymore. He's not the same as before, he's being cold to me. During those times I made myself busy para 'di ko na lang siya maisip.

Pero one time umuwi siya ng maaga, I asked him what's with him these past few weeks, sabi niya, "Wala naman, by the way Jay, I'm planning to move out, lilipat kasi sina Kenj ng apartment, I'm going with him..."
I gave him my casual long "Ahhh..." to show my disinterest pero deep within nasasaktan na ako, he's leaving me, he's choosing Kenj over me. Long pause, I didn't show any sign that I was hurting.

He asked me, "Narinig mo ba ako, I'm moving out..."
"Oo narinig ko, kelan ka naman lilipat?"
"Sa makalawa na..."
"Can I go with you?"
I was hoping that he'll say yes but to my dismay it wasn't his option.
"Tanong ko muna kay Kenj ha?"
Nagpanting tenga ko upon hearing Kenj's name.
"Wait, what's with you and Kenj ba? Lagi na lang siya ang kasama mo!"
"Wala, Jay may problema ba?
"Shit! Tatanungin mo ako kung anong problema? Ikaw ang problema, simula ng makilala mo yang Kenj na 'yan nag-iba ka na. Sabihin mo nga sa akin, kayo ba? Tang-ina naman, syota mo ba yan? Iiwanan mo ko para sumama diyan? Ni 'di mo man ako yayain na sumama. Ahhh... Oo nga naman sagabal ako, maglilive in kayo...!"
I was crying while saying that, I didn't gave him the chance to explain, nagwalked out ako, umiral ang pagiging drama queen ko. I didn't go home that night, nagpalipas ako ng sama ng loob. Lalo lang sumama loob ko when he didn't look for me, he didn't even bother to text me.

Kinabukasan I went home, 'di ko na siya inabutan and I saw his things already packed. Again, I cried, I drowned in tears. I fell asleep. Gabi na ng maalimpungatan ako na may humimas sa mukha ko, it was him, my bestfriend.
"Jay, okay ka na ba?"
"I'm not..."
"Jay..."
He cupped my face with his both hands. Again he said my name.. "Jay..."
"Tell me everything, I'll listen.", yun na lang ang tanging nasabi ko...

He told me everything, I listened though it hurt. Mag two months na daw, 'di niya alam paano naging sila, pero it just happened, he fell in love with Kenj kasi mabait daw.

I asked him, "What if I tell you something... will it matter?"
"Wag mo na ituloy sasabihin mo Jay, I know what you'll say but I know you know how we both feel for each other, dama ko naman yun, alam kong dama mo din yun, pero I'm choosing our friendship, ayaw kong gumawa ng ikasisira ng pagkakaibigan natin, pipillin ko kung saan mas tatagal tayo..."

Di na ako sumagot instead I kissed him. He kissed me back.
That was my first kiss.

After 1 year and two months, my bestfriend & Kenj broke up.
Until now, my bestfriend & I are still friends. We are closer than ever.
But there's one thing that we don't talk about, we don't talked about the past anymore, he no longer entertain same sex relationship.

The Reason Behind Hiding

[Atlast nagkalakas ako ng loob magsulat...]

I am one of those guys who have not yet come out, who find it damn difficult to come out. Straight-acting ika nga. Imaginary fears, yes, but still frightening. Yes, I am a fucking coward who don't have the balls to shout and tell the world that I am GAY!

"Kung yayaman lang ako dahil sa pagtatago ng lihim, milyonaryo na siguro ako."

Exact words from a friend na sensible sa akin, pahiram ng line mo [insert name here]. Siguro dahil sa napakarami ko ring sikreto- tunay ko ngang pagkatao aking pinakakatago.

There's only few na alam ang tunay kong pagkatao. It's not that I am ashamed of what I am, hindi ko ikinahihiya na ganito ako, na nagmamahal at humahanga ako sa aking kabaro. I find it totally normal for a guy to fall in love with another guy; a girl to fall in love with another girl, hence lesbianism; or both, AC-DC; cause it's the heart [...or should I say the brain para sa mga pilosopo na utak daw ang nagdidictate para kumabog ang puso] and not the thing between our thighs that tells us who to love, regardless of gender and when. If that's not the reason, then what hinders me?

I am a fucking homo [slash] faggot [slash] queer.

Ako ay bakla [slash] bading [slash] badaf [slash] etc.

I just can't find the guts to say those words. I am in denial..

Denial. That's what this is all about. Nagsisinungaling ako nung sinabi kong normal para sa akin ang maging bakla. Hindi ko matanggap na nahuhulog ako at nagmamahal sa kapwa ko lalake. Pakiwara ko parang may kung anong abnormal sa pagkatao, na may isang uri ako ng sakit na 'di kayang gamutin, isang sumpa na 'di ko kayang kumawala. Kaya hanggang ngayon nagpapakalalake ako. Pilit kong inaalis ang mga pagnanasang nadarama ko.

Impluwensiya na rin siguro ng pagpapalaki sa akin, isa akong unico hijo, hindi lang alam ng magulang ko na may pagka-hija din pala ako! Shit. Ang tanging tagapagparami ng lahi, ang tanging magkakalat ng apelyido, romansa ng kapwa lalake din pala ang trip.

Another thing is Religion, ever since, I learned in Sunday Schools that men are for women and vice versa. I've heard and read that Soddom and Gomorrah story a million times. Naukilkil na sa kukote ko na kasalanan ang pagiging ganito.

I know I can't run from things forever that sooner or later I will have to face the truth. I know I'm not alone, I know I can make this, and I know things will all be okay that soon I'll be free.

Pero may isang tanong lang ako kay God.

Bakit ba kasi kailangan Mo pang i-categorize ang tao sa dalawang uri lamang? Nalilito tuloy ako kapag sumasagot sa mga social networking sites at kapag nagfifill-up ng forms, 'di ko kasi alam kung saan ko ichecheck, male o female? 'Di ba pwedeng both? O.o

Gustong gusto ko 'tong quote na 'to kaso natatakot pa rin ako.. :(

One Step Closer to Freedom

I'm gonna do something new, something bold and brave. Yes, I'm gonna tell the whole world the 'real' me yung tipong with matching sing and dance pa. Woot.

♪ I'm coming out, I want the world to know, I'm gonna let it show.. ♫


Pero mahirap ata kaya dahan dahanin natin ha?

Little by little, one step at a time, I will be free. I can finally be true to myself and to everyone around me. I've always dreamed of that moment where in I can do anything and be who I am without anyone raising an eyebrow. To love and be loved. To just be myself, no pretentions, no inhibitions, no restrictions. But I just can't do the 'big reveal' right now. I'm gonna wait for the right time, the perfect timing. Though I want to be out of the closet, I still can't. I have a lot to consider. I just can't do it right now. Above all things, the feelings of the people I value is the most important thing for me. Ayaw kong madisaapoint sila.

Hayaan mong unti-unting kong ipaalam sa mundo ang tunay kong katauhan sa pamamagitan ng blog na ito. Dahan-dahan, hinay-hinay saan ba't maisisiwalat ko din ang katotohanan, darating din ang panahon at magiging handa ako..

Secret Confessions
Lihim na Pag-amin.

Somewhat ironic, oo nga at pinapaalam ngunit 'di ganap na nagsasabi. Nagkukwento ngunit 'di tuwirang makapagsalita. Nagsasabi ngunit 'di umaamin. Umaamin man ngunit mayroon pa ring paglilihim. Naglilihim na naghahayag. Inihahayag ang sikreto ngunit 'di tuluyang ibinubunyag. Basta, darating tayo diyan. Makikilala mo din ang tunay na ako. Malalaman mo din ang tunay kong pagkatao.

Sa likod ng pagtatago, ako'y may pagnanais- nais kong maging malaya. Nais kong magpakatotoo. Hindi ko alam kong kailan ko magagawa ito, pero alam ko kung paano. Dito, dito ako magsisimula. Dito, dito ko lahat ikukwento. Dito, malaya akong magpakatotoo. Dito, mailalahad ko ang lihim ng aking pagkatao. Dito magsisimula ang pag-amin sa aking mga lihim...